Steve McDonald’s Guide to Not Dying in Scary Countries
In my life, I’ve had the fortune of visiting forty-four countries, and if I were forced to write down my favorites, you might mistake it for a list of Government Travel Warnings.
I was in Japan when the tsunami turned Sendai into a water park. I was drinking tea with Hezbollah militants when the UN tanks rolled south through Lebanon. I’ve jumped over bottomless crevasses on Mt. Everest, and I’ve been attacked by a very ferocious kangaroo in the Outback (peaceful creatures, until you try to put glasses on their heads for a picture).
The fact that I’m still alive might speak two things about me:
1) That I’m a fucking moron—a very lucky fucking moron—with no regard for my poor mother’s heart rate or emotional well-being.
2) When it comes to traveling in unstable or dangerous places, I might know how to avoid getting machete’d in the face.
For this week’s bit of Backpackology, I’d like stress that the world isn’t as dangerous as the media portrays, and if someone tries to tell you it is—well, I’m sorry for them. The closest they’ll ever get to the Eiffel Tower is probably Epcot, and the only Sphinx they’ll likely ever see is outside a casino in Las Vegas. So for the intrepid wanderers among you, for those with a sense of adventure, I’ve stitched together my five best tips to ‘not dying in scary countries’…
STEP #1: Don’t Go to (Very) Scary Countries
Before setting out on your adventure, there’s careful research to be done: who knows, maybe going to Iraqi Kurdistan is the travel equivalent of sticking a fork in the toaster. To find out, start by skimming your Government Travel Warnings. These lists tend to be pretty agoraphobic, and unless you’re heading to Western Europe or the white half of the Caribbean, you’ll probably find a few alarmist paragraphs bidding you to stay home. The Travel Advisories of Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and the UK tend to be more illuminating than America’s, and will tell you if there’s only a small area to avoid, instead of damning an entire country outright. They’re still quite paranoid, however, and some perfectly safe countries make the list for political reasons.
If your destination has a warning, this only means that further investigation is required. Head to your local bookshop and peruse the latest travel guides, or be techno-savvy and visit the guidebook’s newfangled internet computer website. This will provide a more honest depiction of the safety situation. However, the best way to find the most current and accurate security information is to directly ask locals and fellow travelers in that area. Internet forums, like Lonely Planet’s ‘Thorn Tree,’ make this easy and convenient. If they say it’s safe, it probably is. If they say it’s not, maybe your dream vacation to Iraqi Kurdistan can wait till next year.
STEP #2: Hide!
Screw them, you’re going to Iraqi Kurdistan anyway! (YOLO). Despite your disregard for Government Travel Warnings, you know Iraq isn’t all tickles and sunshine. Two weeks ago, a Japanese tourist got shot in the face while haggling for a carpet, and even though it was an isolated incident, you’re not ready to take chances. You need to avoid extra attention by hiding in plain sight.
Disguise yourself as a local. Don a baggy, amorphous robe; wear what everyone else is wearing. Remember to always walk with purpose; act like you’re late for your friend’s arranged marriage. Pretend to know where you’re going, especially when you don’t. In my travels, I’ve learned that locals rarely stand around staring helplessly at maps, so if you’re lost, duck into a coffee shop or alleyway to get your bearings.
Other things that might blow your cover include: a camera bag, a daypack, and your complexion. If you’re a pasty Irishman visiting the Congo, it might be difficult to convince locals you’re from the nearby village, Umbootokembe. In such cases, attempting the local clothes might only inspire laughter, but you should still dress conservatively, keep your head down, and maintain a low profile.
Oh, and don’t you dare wear a fannypack, or I swear to god I’ll fly all the way to Erbil and martyr you myself. This is tough love right here.
STEP #3: Call Your Embassy
The prevailing wisdom is that, when you arrive in a risky country, you immediately notify your embassy. Don’t expect them to do too much. They’re mostly there to process diplomatic paperwork, so in the event of an actual emergency, they won’t be sending Keifer Sutherland to find you.
It doesn’t hurt to check yourself in though. Just when you leave, remember to check back out, to avoid causing an unnecessary manhunt.
STEP #4: Run Away!
When the crowds start screaming for Obama’s heart on a spear, avoid all urges to linger and watch what happens. In the event of riots or protest, seek shelter in your Embassy. Unless you’re American, in which case your Embassy is already on fire. For us Yankees, I recommend heading to the Embassy of a more innocuous country, like Canada or New Zealand.
Fun Fact: You’ll never see a crowd shouting for the Prime Minister of New Zealand’s severed head, because unless you’re in New Zealand, no one will know who that is.
STEP #5: (Un)Common Sense
Surprisingly, all those things your mother taught you about walking alone at night and never getting into cars with strangers still apply in third-world combat zones. Don’t walk around at night. Don’t go into bad neighborhoods (ask your hotel receptionist if you need to be informed). Avoid getting into cars with strangers, or following them into isolated areas. Avoid large public gatherings. If you follow these rules, you should be fine.
If you’re constantly worrying about the violence you see in media images, it will only hamper your trip. Relax. Humanity is more peaceful than Fox News likes to tell you. They’ll never do a breaking report on how everything is going fine and great again in Ethiopia.
Just trust your judgment. And if you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation, don’t ever be afraid to assert yourself.
Remember: A good eye-poking or kick to the knee transcends all language barriers.
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For more tips and tricks to living on the road, click the Backpackology 101 tab at the top of this page.
To learn the Top Five Countries You Thought Were Dangerous but Really Aren’t, click here.
To watch me run away from Taliban troops, click here.
I am very relieved (as I’m sure your Mother is) to hear your voice “crying from the dust” in today’s most unsafe spot on earth. Although I enjoyed this tutorial my fanny pack is pouting in the corner!
Haha hopefully where it shall remain!
OK Steve, how do you carry around your cash and camera “inconspicuously” and yet still have quick and easy access. . . w/o a delightful little fanny pack? hmmmm?
Hahaha a fanny pack is the antithesis of inconspicuous! The cash is kept in my wallet, as well as in my hidden money pouch with my passport. When I’m going out with my camera, I keep it in a small sling bag around my shoulder, or in a collapsible daypack (you can check out both of which in the ‘Whats In My Bindle’ tab at the top of the page). When I’m in dangerous areas (like Peshawar), I simply don’t carry a camera around… which will be a problem when I eventually write this article…
Oh, and I received your FB message, and I’m thankful for your concern. I’m abreast safe though! My Chitrali disguise is so wonderful at this point that people seemed quite shocked when I start speaking English.
“You are English?!” (in Pakistan, all white people are ‘English’)
I’m fleeing Peshawar as we speak. I’m literally sitting in the bus terminal.
But I’ll be writing all about that soon enough… Story to come.
Cool! …look forward to the story. In the meantime; Be smart. Be Safe. Be blessed!
Thanks for all the advice. I’ll keep it filed away in my dreams.
My pleasure. Thanks for reading!
Good advice all, but I still have no idea why everyone decries fanny packs. Are they the dark lord of portable carrying devices? What? Why is a sling bag better than a hands-free fanny pack? And how did they get such an avoid-at-all-costs reputation? Did Dan Quayle wear one once?
Hahahaha oh dear, it is indeed the dark lord of tourist accouterment, the Carrying-Device-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named.
Its infamy is deserved, however. In fact, I admit I used to wear a fannypack! And it nearly cost me getting my camera stolen… Here’s why it’s best avoided:
They’re simply not safe. At all. There seems to be some curious perception that pickpockets don’t know how to operate zippers. They do. A fanny pack announces to all potential thieves “I am a tourist! Here are all my valuables in one easy-to-access place.”
From there, getting into the fannypack is easy for them. They’ll usually take a strip of cardboard or a newspaper and nudge it against you to block your vision, as their free hand quickly unzips your pouch and grabs a handful of wallet-and-passport. And because it’s not directly touching your skin, it’s extremely hard to detect. (less tactful thieves will just simply slash it open from the front, and grab the contents like a spilling piñata).
As for my turning point against the fannypack, I was in Rome, and didn’t notice that the gypsy was in the process of unzipping me, when my local friend saw the cardboard and started screaming. The gypsy took off before I could even react, but the lesson was learned. Your passport is safer in a hidden money pouch concealed under your clothes, along with your credit cards and main cash reserve. As for your camera, it’s better kept in your pocket or in a pull-string bag, which is much more difficult for wandering hands to access. Plus, you won’t be screaming ‘I’M A TOURIST,’ because locals also carry bags. They never carry fannypacks, ever. Because if they did, they would look very silly. But that’s just my vanity talking.
It all boils down to preference, really. If you enjoy the convenience of a fannypack, it’s understandable, and you should go for it. But you just need to be extra vigilant, especially in crowded areas. They might look safe, but they’re very, very risky. Be warned, my friend.
You make a lot of good points and I get it. If truth be told, I use a hidden pouch and a slash-proof carry bag and do NOT wear a fanny pack while traveling (although I do at home, all the time, and it’s safe to do so here—but I still get flack. I am definitely NOT a slave to fashion, so while in my own backyard (Hawaii), my fanny pack stays on). Aside from the safety-while-traveling issues, I guess I just don’t get the derision aimed at fanny packs. Aside from all that, I love to travel and I love your blog.
Steven,
Why do you say that the southern island of the Philippines is dangerous? I would love to know. I just got back from a month trip there and experienced no danger, although I realize that Taliban rebels (I think?) held their ground there years ago. I traveled from Cagayan de Oro to the Province, also known as Kauswagan where the rebels first (apparently) attacked 8 yrs ago (something like that).
Reblogged this on Slightly Removed and commented:
“. . . you might call me overly cavalier,
which is fair.
Cavalier is a great synonym for stupid.
My name is Steve . . .”
- Steve McDonald
A quick glance over the U.S. Department of State page and you might mistake the entire world outside of English-speaking North America as a seething warzone of murderers and misanthropes. Other sources are not quite as paranoid. And taking into account the sheer number of people travelling the world at any given moment free of any incident whatsoever, a more complete picture can start to be imagined.
Despite warnings ranging from Lonely Planet to Wikitravel to Thai coworkers, my trip into the ‘hostile’ southern provinces of southern Thailand a few days after a highly publicized bombing had passed by entirely without mishap. Granted, I had stayed in the city of Hat Yai for less than 24 hours. But it still served to reinforce my opinion that while our confidence is sometimes shaken, most people are interested in just living rather than actively seeking to do others harm. Given my initial, but likely far from my last, stint in troubled region it seemed appropriate to share Steve McDonald’s Guide to Not Dying in Scary Country, his farcical, yet practical guide to dealing with situations one might encounter.
Blogger Steve McDonald of backpackology.org does a fantastic job of capturing this sentiment on his travels through the mostly unknown lands of Central Asia. His forays into places like the notoriously dangerous Khyber Pass are loaded with insightful observations, intriguing interaction with locals, and a comedic overtone to every story that all make for a fantastic read.
Though he took a small detour back to the U.S. early in his grand two-year voyage, I hope to see him on the road and posting again soon.